The Truth About Kids and Divorce

Test your knowledge of strategies to protect children when parents split up

Divorce can be an emotional train wreck for both parents, but often the family members hurt most have the least control -- the children. What's the best way to help children adjust to divorce? The complexity of your discussion with your children should vary with the child’s age, even if the basic information is the same for all children. Test your knowledge with the following questions.

1. Parents should tell children as little as possible about the divorce, since it's very upsetting to children.

True

False

2. Children can't understand what is going on during a divorce.

True

False

3. Parents should let their children voice their concerns about the divorce.

True

False

4. Children may think the divorce is their fault.

True

False

5. During and after the divorce, don't expose your kids to arguments between the two of you.

True

False

6. It's fine to change children's routines due to divorce.

True

False

 

The answers

1. False. Children can tell when their parents are upset. That upsets the children, too, and they assume the problem involves them, says Jane Foy, M.D., a member of the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Committee for Psychosocial Aspects of Children and Family Health. "Parents need to be honest and make sure the children know they are not responsible."

2. False. Parents should be open and honest. "The divorce process should be explained in a simple language that the children can understand," says Edward Goldson, M.D., another member of the AAP committee.

3. True. "The parent has to listen to the children's concerns. In addition to questions such as 'Why?' and 'Will you ever get back together?,' children have practical concerns: 'Where will I live?' 'How often will I see you?' 'Will you still come to my games?'" says Dr. Foy. Parents who don't have an answer should let children know they'll have one soon.

4. True. Even if parents have never blamed the children, the children often assume the divorce is their fault. Parents must take full responsibility and be honest in a way convincing to children. That will vary according to the circumstances, but the words must be chosen carefully and spoken often.

5. True. If possible, parents' battles should not take place in front of the children. That can be very frightening for them, says Dr. Goldson.

6. False. Routines are very important to children. Start by paying careful attention to children's living arrangements, says Dr. Foy. Disrupt routines as little as possible. Variation to children's schedules should be predictable, not random. Parents can put a daily schedule on the refrigerator or in the child's book bag.